Fear of Commitment

Dear Renee,

I have been reading your articles on AskMen.com, and found the reader's e-mail about being  commitment phobic particularly interesting.

My question is, to what extent do you think that men are actually "afraid" of commitment rather than simply not wanting it? It seems to be a common theme that men prefer one-night stands and women prefer relationships -- but in my experience, many women are serial monogamists and will enter into relationships they fully intend to leave.

Perhaps we all have our weaknesses, but women seem to have the serial monogamy foible, which can potentially be as emotionally destructive to others as one-night stands (if both involve lying or leading people on). I just wanted to know whether you have considered this idea in any of your responses or advice -- after all, a relationship isn't necessarily the perfect outcome of men and women meeting in the first place.

Curious

Dear Curious,

This whole issue of "commitment fear" is not exclusive to men. Let's face it; ever since the sexual revolution, people have been waiting longer to commit and are exploring alternative options to marriage. What I think is missing is plain old honesty from both sexes.

People are afraid of telling the truth lest they be deprived of the love or "action" they are seeking. So they tell "little" white lies. Many singles get wounded in the battle of dating and casual sex because they have a picture or expectation of how it's supposed to be thanks to these white lies, and feel deceived if it doesn't work out.

Much of these expectations are unrealistic in these changing times. People all want deeper connections yet there is still a lot of casual sex going on, which confuses people about the actual meaning of sex.

Get clear about your intentions. Sometimes it might just be about getting laid. Many women complain that men lie to get laid, but some women want the same -- you'll have to talk about your expectations in order to find out.

In my book, HYPERLINK "http://www.askmen.com/house_banners/articles/love_mechanics.html" Love Mechanics, I suggest doing an inner evaluation called "The Internal Diagnostic Tune-Up" to be clear on what you want now, and communicating this clearly to the partners in your life. Then and only then can both sexes achieve harmony.

My columns aren't about rules, but about each of us being clear on what makes us happy and what we expect from each other.

Renee

If you have a burning love or dating question or dilemma please email me at AskRenee@lovemechanics.com. I will do my best to help! Need a Dating Makeover or personal dating consulting call NOW at 310-827-1100! I can help you win in the game of Love!

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